Our aim as parents and carers is to teach children how to manage their big emotions, however some of our actions may in fact end up making tantrums even worse. Here are six mistakes parents often make that actually fuel temper tantrums instead of stopping them.

1. Giving in: Maybe you’ve had a rough day, you’re tired and need a little quiet. So in an attempt to get your child to calm down, you give in to their demands. Doing so in fact teaches them that the best way to get their needs met is to throw a tantrum. Instead, if you decide to give treats, make sure you wait until they have completely calmed down. Never give in to children’s demands whilst they’re in the midst of a tantrum.
2. ⁠Empty threats: If you threaten your child by saying you’d put them on time out, make sure you actually do so. Avoid extreme threats such as saying you’d send them to Australia, unless you’re prepared to actually follow through.
3. ⁠Bribery: Tantrums can be very embarrassing. If your child throws a big one, don’t promise to buy them a new toy if they quieten down as this will only encourage them to throw tantrums in a bid to get treats. Instead, anticipate the tantrum by using treats as rewards well before the meltdown. For example, say, “if you hold unto my hand instead of rushing about at the supermarket, you’ll get an extra treat.” Or once you get to the supermarket, give them a treat to hold on to until all your shopping is done and you’re at the till.
4. ⁠Telling your child off: You might be tempted to smack or yell at your child because you suspect that this particular tantrum is manipulative. Your child knows that everyone’s watching, so you’re more likely to give in to demands. If you smack or yell, you’d be giving your child attention. All attention, even negative attention will be counter-productive at this stage because that’s what children need to know that their tantrum is getting to you. And if it’s getting to you, then you’re more likely to give in. Instead, Regulate your own emotions and speak in calm tones.
5. ⁠Reasoning with your child: Negotiating with children whilst they’re in this state of heightened emotion is like talking to a brick wall. In fact, it may overload them even further. Once children are in full blown meltdown mode, they’ve lost their ability to make sense of what you’re saying, especially if you’re still saying no to their demands.
6. Moving on from the tantrum too quickly: Sometimes, we’re so glad that the tantrum is over that we lose the opportunity to talk to our children about the situation. Instead, once they’ve calmed down, Talk to them about their what’s happened and remind them that such behaviours are unacceptable. This is a great time to teach age-appropriate ways to use language to ask for what they want and to manage emotions better.

Remember to CONNECT before you CORRECT.

“Teaching children to manage big emotions is not about avoiding tantrums, but guiding them through it. Use tantrums as opportunities to teach your child emotional regulation and communication skills.”
Dr Mya Okeowo